Friday, September 11, 2015

The Failure, The Acceptance, and Hopefully the Success (part 2)

If you haven't get the full story, read part one of my story here.

Back in my hometown, I was left at a terrible state. I was ruined, psychically and mentally. 
By the time this post started to be written, it was already 9 months passed since the incident. I need that long to regain my composure and to have a more positive perception towards life.
I honestly put so much pressure on myself to excel. I keep on thinking that with my qualifications, I can achieve more! This is lacking! What other people will think of me?? I am such a disappointment. 

For a time being, I was stressed. Feeling hopeless, useless, worthless and traumatized to the point that I do not even feel like working anymore. 

I want to just restart everything, by going to study for master degree or language degree. But, after long period of thinking, and re-thinking, I decided that "re-study" is not worth the investment. I have seen a lot of my friends who go to re-study/pursue higher education to avoid working who actually find themselves back where they started: going nowhere in life and worse, some become too lazy to even start working. 

So, I decided that is just wasting money. I need to start living. 

but how???
Of Course!

Opportunities, opportunities.. Opportunities come for me to learn about stock market. The lesson that I couldn't get when I was in University and the hot topics of people around the world about investment. I want to invest. I do not want to be a broker. Please do not get me wrong. 

I kinda felt more relax after couple weeks at the broker's office (my aunt's office), feeling optimistic, I try to find a job... again... at Jakarta... 

Sadly, YES! 
Feeling so philosophical, naive, and positive, I retried my luck in finding a job at Jakarta. I actually find a pretty decent job that I refused. But for months, I have always tried to find excuses and I judged the potential job too harsh, even before I start to do it. I try to take a-too-save-road after failing soooooo hard. Still traumatized, may be??

I was staying with my aunt, grandma, and uncle and it was uncomfortable. I felt so much pressure while staying at their home, I don't feel at home at all. I felt very uncomfortable as all my actions are questioned and counted. There are unnecessary dramas every single day. To the point that living at that home feels more difficult than finding a decent job. 

Yeah, IKR
I think I lose hell lot of good jobs, looking to a better ones. 
In the end, I fail, AGAIN.

This time, I began to think:
  • Is this the road that I am suppose to take? 
  • If it is, why am I failing, over and over again?
I looked at my friends. They are perfectly fine. Having a great job, leading live full of hope. Why am I here? I am not a stupid person. So why can't I be like them? Having the good job, leading a good live. Is this God's way of saying that this is not for me? That I have to face this trial to excel? I don't know.

I went back to phase one, the failure. Now with the slump deeper than the previous one.

It was hard back then. I was unemployed for months! I used to support myself ever since I graduated from University. Now, I have to be supported by my parents. It was such a major step back!! I kept comparing myself with my friends, my cousins, and judged myself harshly.

Until one day, after I tried talking to my mother about it, I realized that I have put too much pressure for myself where no one expect me too. It was an eye-opening moment, to realize that I am actually creating problems for myself. Instead of living my life within my capabilities, I took someone else' measurement of success to force myself to fit in. That is the main reason that I am unhappy. And stressed.

I finally have the courage to look back at myself and told myself that I failed again and this time, I dare to say to myself to quit trying to find job at Jakarta because those life, those success is not for me. 

'The end' is just a beginning to another story.

To be able to re-start my career journey, it felt necessary to admit to myself that I failed. So that I won't find any excuses to not doing anything and look only at the past. Failing is one thing, but keep trying is another. I keep saying to myself that the defeat is not final. In fact, there is nothing final in this world. 

As written in the Paulo Coelho's THE ALCHEMIST: 
the secret of life, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times. 

People never look at the process, they look at the result because the history is made by the winner. Only the winner's part of the story will be heard. 

Anyway, I gave up all of my kinda "American Dream" in the big city and I came back to my hometown, a small city called Pontianak in West Borneo where I hope, my success story will actually begins, if God allows me.

This is the end of my second post.
Check out my third post here.

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